General

The best generic brands | The New Yorker

The best generic brands |  The New Yorker

career

An Italian luxury sports car manufacturer that is popular with people who need speed and want to bite the bullet. Carrari may not have an iconic logo, but there’s no denying that the midlife crises drive around in the driver’s seats of these bad guys.

bias

Formerly Fruit Phone, the popularity of this brand almost led to its demise. At Tim Cook’s first Apple event as CEO, he solemnly swore that he would “prosecute their asses to hell”. Not only did this result in a name change, but the newly minted Frone was no longer able to sell semi-disguised iPhones that “fell off the back of a truck.” Some say the quality has declined in recent years, but loyalists are grateful for an affordable smartphone option, even if it’s permanently set to a language they don’t understand.

Silly Meerkat Society

Inspired by popular crypto sensations like Bored Ape Yacht Club, this generic set of non-replaceable tokens (NFTs) is just as cool and futuristic as the ones bought up for large sums of money by the likes of Snoop Dogg, Grimes and Stephen Curry. The twist? You are not dealing with the blockchain and Ethereum as Silly Meerkat Society pieces can only be purchased through the Starbucks app or Kohl’s Cash. Earlier this month, a meerkat in a bucket hat smoking a corncob pipe sold to more than fifty million stars (that’s a million grande Pike Place roasts).

Arch City

Why travel all the way to St. Louis when you can visit Missouri’s second largest city for a fraction of the price? Critics say the arch hangs in the middle and it doesn’t get as hot in the summer as it really does, but everyone can agree that the nightlife scenes of Arch City and St. Louis both bloom to the same extent—especially when the Redbirds play well in the stadium.

YesFlickz

Access the latest and greatest movies and shows with just the tap of a finger, assuming founder and CEO Kevin_da_Movie_Man has your selection in his self-described “impressive” collection and is watching it at that exact moment. What this streaming platform lacks in digital infrastructure — after all, it’s just a live feed from someone’s television, presumably Kevin’s mom — it more than makes up for in variety. Streams are known to contain everything from obscure anime to episodes of “The Big Bang Theory” – and who can forget that one time when a cat knocked over the webcam and started playing with it? For some reason, anyone with a login to walmart.com can access it.

phone

When it comes to the utensils industry, innovation has been going on since 1874, when Samuel W. Francis patented the spork, a spoon-fork hybrid. Now there’s the phone, which is essentially the same unless someone from Francis’ estate asks for it. To be fair, the spoon was invented around 1000 BC and the fork somewhere between 400 and 900 AD, so you have to take what you can get at this point.

Choice of poster

A social media platform with an eye for quality and old-fashioned fun. Unlike other apps, which are full of heated discussion and promiscuous dancing, Poster’s Choice only offers clean content from around the world, but especially from this one county in Utah, featuring photos of rotary phones labeled “Remember these? ?’ to videos of catastrophe-free gender reveals. The iPhone and Android versions are rumored to be in beta, but currently Poster’s Choice is only available on Frone.

I train

With a route similar to that of the 1 train, which runs between lower Manhattan and the upper parts of the Bronx, the I train takes riders to the same stops as on the 1, but with a few minor differences. First, there are no advertisements on the I train, nor are there any seats, poles or windows. Also, the trains themselves are made from old shipping containers that have been taken out of service after housing rotten cheese during trade disputes of yore, and which have too much stench to be used as micro-housing or trendy pop-up shops. That explains the tagline: “You know what really stinks? Pay twice as much.”

Weird Willy’s

It’s not Stanford, but a degree is a degree.